January 05, 2009

RESEARCH

Every abortion requires mourning, but it is the most difficult grief known to humans. This is because the mother; 1) contributed to the death of the baby she now must mourn, 2) dehumanized the infant and must re-humanize the preborn baby before she can grieve the loss of him or her, 3) was not been able to hold her dead baby's body 4) received no social support or professional aid to grieve, 5) has unresolved ambivalence to the baby, herself, her partner, her family and the state. Pathological grief may result in depression, and depression can suppress the immune system. As a result, her general health is poor and she is more likely to have cancer and infection.1
 
Most women report a sense of loss after their abortion. They feel empty. They feel they have lost the “family I could have had.” Those who report this symptom describe a number of related reactions such as the inability to look at other babies or pregnant mothers, or a jealousy of mothers. Many consciously seek a replacement pregnancy.2  
1 Philip G. Ney, MD, FRCPC, MA, FRANZCP, RpsychPresented at: 19th Annual Congress for the Family, May 19, 1999, Geneva, Switzerland
2 Leibman and Zimmer, “Psychological Sequelae of Abortion,” 133
my story → Yvette

YVETTE

Abortion was my choice, but I didn’t know what I was choosing. In 1988, one month after my 21st birthday, I ended my unplanned pregnancy. After three days of crying over the fact that my pregnancy test was positive, I went to terminate the pregnancy before, I thought, it became a baby. I received no counseling from the clinic on my options or the procedure. I just remember that everyone was telling me it was the best decision because I was too young. During the procedure the Doctor told me not to worry, I was only four weeks along.   I believe he thought he was giving me comfort but he didn’t know that his statement would haunt me for many years to come. As I laid there on the table, I knew I had made the biggest mistake of my life, but before I knew it, the procedure was over. I was given instructions to return if I didn’t stop bleeding but no one told me what to do with the terrible loss I now felt in my soul.
 
In the years that followed, my life took a downward spiral. Guilt and shame became my best friends. Yet I still kept telling myself it wasn’t a baby. I couldn’t figure out why I felt like I had done something wrong.   I thought I was taking more responsibility over my reproductive health by using birth control pills, but I lived in the constant fear of becoming pregnant again. I found myself saying yes to things I never thought I would do. Anger and bitterness became a hiding place. I avoided conversations involving abortion.   I was not pro-choice or pro-life, I was hurting.  I lived with the fear of not being able to have “wanted” children.  
 
Today I remain childless. I live with the “what ifs” and the wondering of what that unborn child would have been, boy or girl, a scholar, an athlete or a world changer. At age 39 I continue to miss my child. My misguided legal choice has left a hole in my family. I will never be able to fill a picture frame with my child’s image. My niece and nephews have lost their cousin. May parents never got the chance to see their second grandchild. I miss my son. I miss him deeply. I will never know if he would have lived to see his first birthday. If he had lived would he be tall or short? I never experienced the “terrible two’s”. This year he would have been preparing for graduation from high school. The loss continues.

How Recovery Helped

In 1998 I took training that taught me about fetal development and for the first time in 10 years, I admitted to myself that I had taken the life of my unborn child. When I learned that at 3 weeks of gestation my baby’s heart was beating, the pain was unbearable. During the years that followed, I learned more about the risk to abortion. These were risks that I never knew when I paid for my abortion. 
 
 
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